Akatsuki Home Cooking
by dead drifter
Summary: crack!Akatsuki! Learn to cook from our beloved evil organization! Rated for sexual mentions no sexual content .


**Akatsuki Home Cooking**

**Chapter 1**

**A/N: Don't mind me, just posting unfinished crack. And I particularly love this, too. If I manage to work out chapter two, you get to see the Konoha Krystal Koffee ad. **

**-AHC-**

"This is ridiculous," Konan said darkly, stepping over thick power cords on her way to the laundry room. The entire front of the Akatsuki house had been transformed into a half assed studio, with cameras and microphones rigged throughout. It was all some grand plan of Kakuzu's to procure funds, since the garage sale didn't do too well.

Konan reached the laundry room and hastily pulled her clothes out of the washer and threw them into the dryer. She tossed some Bounce sheets in and slammed the dryer door shut. When she turned the machine on, Pein stalked in, wearing a head set and a baseball cap.

"Turn that off, we're recording in five minutes and we can't have any background noise," Pein snapped and reached over to do it himself before Konan could respond. With a curt nod, Pein walked back out, heading for the kitchen. Konan followed him, murder on her mind.

However, when she reached the kitchen, she stopped dead in her tracks. Itachi and Zetsu of all people were wearing aprons adorned with red clouds, the overgrown weed looking very strange in a chef's hat while Itachi was pouring over the contents of a recipe book, his bifocals sliding down his nose.

Konan turned to find Kakuzu discussing something about advertising with the director of the show. Konan cleared her throat, and they paused and looked at her.

"You mean there's a woman in the group?" the director asked the old nin, who nodded. Konan folded her arms over her chest.

"Why couldn't we do the stupid show in a real studio?" Konan asked angrily, tapping her feet on the tile.

"Because that costs too much money, and besides, no one was using the kitchen anyway. Now…Konan," Kakuzu said, an evil glint in his eye, "I have a proposition for you."

Konan raised a hairless eyebrow ridge.

"Yeah?"

"Can you do something for me?"

"…like what?" Konan asked, suspicious. Kakuzu wordlessly handed Konan a bottle of bubbles and an index card.

"Hold that up to the camera, and say those lines."

"Oh, and Konan," Pein added, "Make sure you blow them, okay?"

"…you're going to pay for this."

Pein just smiled and crept away. The camera guy started counting down.

"Three, two, one…"

Konan took a deep breath and plastered a large smile on her face, showing all her teeth.

"Today's episode is brought to you by…Bukkake Bubbles! It's like an orgy in a bottle!"

Konan's big fake grin faltered as Pein raised his eyebrows, gesturing for her to go on. The kunoichi took a deep breath.

"You've got to be kidding me," Konan said through her teeth, and unscrewed the top of the bottle. She fished out the plastic wand and grimaced at the thick, pearly "soap" clinging to it, and held it close to her lips. She rounded them and blew through the loop at the end. A big, pearly bubble grew out of it and took flight, soaring through the air. Akatsuki dodged the cum bubble left and right. Kisame cowered behind his Samehada. Deidara lunged under the kitchen table. Sasori slipped inside Hiruko and fled the area completely. Hidan, the slowest to respond in any situation, got a face full of the questionable substance as the bubble popped on his nose.

"What the f…"

"HELLO!" Itachi bellowed, invoking his inner OOC spirit, "and welcome to Akatsuki Home Cooking! The only show that caters to the villain."

Kakuzu promptly sewed Hidan's mouth shut and dragged him away so he wouldn't disrupt the show. Itachi went on smoothly.

"Now, as the bad guys, we're expected to eat bad things. Like bats or…newborn babies."

Zetsu, who had been uncharacteristically quiet, looked up at the mention of his favorite snack (whether it's bats or newborn babies is open to interpretation).

"But, though every organization may have a resident cannibal, such as my colleague Zetsu here," the plant man nodded, "we are actually pretty normal. So for the first episode, we are going to prepare a classic that all the Akatsuki love to eat, and one that most of us can actually cook: grilled cheese and tomato soup."

Applaud signs lit up and the audience in the tiny kitchen turned studio clapped. Naruto whooped. Someone yelled out "I LOVE YOU 'TACHI!"

Itachi sighed.

"And I'm going to do it with an Uchiha twist."

"**Burned to a crisp?"** Zetsu prompted, thinking of Itachi's preference for Amaterasu in the kitchen.

Itachi glared at Zetsu and he closed his fly trap in fear. Pein was waving his arms and shaking his head no. Itachi sighed.

"Very well then, we'll cook without Amaterasu…_this_ time."

The Uchiha smiled coldly and flourished his hand at a display of ingredients on the counter.

"In order to make grilled cheese and tomato soup, you'll need some Wonder Bread, Kraft Singles cheese, I Can't Believe it's not Butter, a can of Campbell's Tomato Soup, and some dango."

"_Dango?"_ Zetsu asked, frowning.

"Why, yes," Itachi said, pulling a stick topped with three colored balls from underneath his cloak.

"_Uh, Itachi, dango doesn't go with soup and sandwiches."_

"The dango is for me." Itachi nibbled on the sweet treat, as if it were obvious.

"_Ah, I see…"_

"**A diet of dango would make nice, sweet meat…I bet he tastes like candy…"**

Zetsu started to openly discuss proper methods for preparing human (Uchiha) meat when someone cleared their throat loudly. Itachi made the slightest of movements, and Zetsu stopped mid sentence to realize he was on fire.

"Behave," Itachi instructed, "or I'll prepare fire roasted fly trap instead."

Zetsu shut up and Itachi doused him with a pitcher of water.

"Zetsu, will you open the can of soup, please?"

The plant man grabbed the can and bit down on it, pulling the top off with his teeth. Itachi raised his eyebrows as he placed a pan on the stove.

"Every villain should have his own unique can opener, I suppose…"

"**Did you just call me a can opener?"**

"Would you prefer garbage disposal?" Itachi asked slyly as he turned the knob to high heat.

"_I think that's too hot…"_

"I'm in charge here."

There was an awkward silence as Itachi took out four pieces of white bread. When he popped open the tub of margarine and began buttering the bread with a kunai, Zetsu blurted out **"What's wrong with using a butter knife? That's what it's for, isn't it?"**

Itachi stabbed his piece of bread and held the speared square up to Zetsu's face while taking an angry bite out of his dango.

"Butter knives are for Genins."

The Uchiha tossed his ruined bread into the sink and grabbed a new piece. When the bread was buttered, Itachi placed a pan on the stove and cranked up the heat.

"_What about the soup, Itachi? It's starting to boil."_

"Let it boil. We have grilled cheese to make."

"**But I think the soup is only supposed to simmer…"**

"GRILLED CHEESE. Now."

Zetsu sighed, rolling his eyes and unwrapping the individual cheese slices. Itachi laid down two pieces of bread, butter side down, and Zetsu placed cheese on top. Itachi put on the other halves of the sandwich and smashed them down with his kunai.

"_How are you going to flip the sandwiches with that thing?"_

"**Sh, I don't want to end up as the featured ingredient for tomorrow's show**," the dark half of Zetsu warned.

"You should listen to him," Itachi said with a nod.

"Now, in order to flip, you do something like…this…" Itachi picked the pan up and flicked it. Grilled cheese sandwiches flew up into the air and hit the ceiling before coming back down. One landed on Itachi's head, while the other disappeared down the back of Zetsu's collar.

"**If you'd use a spatula like a normal person, this wouldn't have happened!"** Zetsu snarled, shaking his robes so that the sandwich fell down and dropped to the floor.

"Let's check on our soup," Itachi said brightly to the camera, as if nothing had happened. He peered into the pot and the scalding hot soup splattered all over his face. The sandwich on his head slid down into the pot with a nice wet plop, spraying more soup onto his face.

The Uchiha blinked a few times and turned around to shoot a death glare at the plant man, as if it were his fault. Zetsu closed his trap up tight and melted into the ground. Seconds later, a cheesey kunai impaled the tile just where Zetsu's head had been.

"_Coward_."

"Itachi, this is live, now wrap the show up!" Pein hissed from behind the camera. Itachi straightened up and looked directly into the camera, his face dripping with thick red tomato soup. The Uchiha's eyes swirled and he had just started to say "Amaterasu" when Kisame came to the rescue, covering Itachi's eyes and tossing him over his shoulder.

Pein turned to Konan, who was still angry about having to advertise cum bubbles, and clapped her on the shoulder.

"I think that went well, don't you? Konan…wait, what are you folding? That looks dangerous…is that a porcupine? _Ouch_!"

The leader of Akatsuki ran for his life, an origami porcupine the size of a bear at his heels.

**-AHC-**

Next episode of Akatsuki Home Cooking: Kakuzu shares his recipe for a heart healthy breakfast with the aid of his lovely assistant! Who is it? If you know my Naruto OTP, then you KNOW who it is! :D


End file.
